listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
