I just pynch a tree in the face
you traded sex for a burrito?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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