He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
