She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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