Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
