Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I just gift wrapped bread.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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