malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize