Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
