how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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