We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
