Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
