God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
