well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize