Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
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