dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
is this the sara with the beer cane?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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