the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
