So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
