I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
