I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Randomize
