if i can run in heels then i can drive
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
