We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
