No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
