90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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