More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
