We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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