Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize