if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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