I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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