Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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