i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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