I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
