she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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