If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I just found puke in my bra..
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
