so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
