Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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