I think i sorta joined a cult last night
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
