2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
nut hugger
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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