I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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