I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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