i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
