he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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