I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
