My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
