I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
