he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
