I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
