Can i not drive my cunt home
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
