The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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