dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
