I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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