i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
