I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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