he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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