It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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