I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
