apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
