I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
