you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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