I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
