why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Your cock deserves a montage
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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