she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
