It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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