I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
