Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
