you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
