Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
