I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
